I have attempted suicide today. Though, obviously(:D) it didn't succeed, but I am still not happy. I am alive but, I dunno. I can't enjoy the life at all. I can hardly enjoy it. I will cut my downside of my ear, which goes a big artery up to my head as everybody knows, I dunno what is it called in English, we Turkish people say it şah damarı. It kinda means something like "shah vessel" Shahs were emperor of Iran empire back in the day, they were at the main command. And this vessel I am talking about, is kinda main at it's job. What is it's job? Pumping blood into the head, and brain.

Well, I have tried to cut this vessel or artery, or what the heck is that. To be honest, I didn't try, I just stood the blade near my artery, thought of killing myself. Thinking of what could happen. Damn, it is not that easy. I've thrown the blade away with fury, I punched the shelves where I took the blade from, instead. I crouched and said out loud "why it couldn't be so easy?" Then I took the blade from the ground and put it into the bench. I have gone to my room, and sat on the couch. I have sat on that couch for at least 10 minutes by doing nothing. No, I wasn't doing nothing, I was compressing pillows between my arms with a rage. Then I calmed down and stood there, I didn't do anything but look around for 10 minutes. Maybe more. Why things don't get better by themselves? Or do they? I don't want to struggle with them so much after all, everything is so hard. I want to meet new friends but I don't know how to begin. I have ideas but... I dunno. Maybe I just go and say hello. And then? This looks kinda unnatural to me. I have never done that to anyone I have never met. But I soo want to do that nowadays. I just go out, see that everybody hangs out with their friends, and I feel so alone. Why don't anybody help me? I am so alone. Don't you hear me? Assholes. They are that, assholes. What can I say more? This is how I feel about them. Everyday I wake up with some new hope, but nothing changes.

Maybe I should write what comes to my mind instantly?